Happiness kills.

Happiness scares me, you know.

No one knows what will happen next. No one knows the security of that happiness if it will last or not.

Now, you smile. Later, you cry.

I'm saying this because, it had always been that way. Just as I had observed as I grow up..

I remember this thing very well -- I was a fourth grader. There was something that I was so happy about, so happy that time that I was laughing so hard.. Ecstatic. When suddenly a woman approached me, "Don't be so happy, you'll be so sad later, you'll see.."

And I had put it in my mind, ever since. Found out, yes, it's true. Unknowingly and unconsciously. You see yourself celebrating, then later there would be something sad that will happen. And even at times, the reason for your happiness is also the reason for your sadness..

So I try not to be so happy as much as possible. Cause I don't want to be so sad. I'm not being negative, I'm just being on the safe side. Well, there is nothing wrong with being so happy, it's just that, there's nothing wrong avoiding as unwanted thing to happen as well. Everyone knows, anything much is not good anymore. So there it goes.

Now I just wanna test myself. I still want to prove if it still would happen. Right now I'm feeling a special kind of happiness that I really don't want to have an end. Deep inside. Making it fully shown or obvious would contradict the thing, I think. People just don't notice it 'coz when they look at me, they say I'm emo. Nah. I'm just, really like this. Analytical and blank. Emotional too. But far from the emo thing they say.

I've just learnt how to be neutral. To look like neutral as well. Not too happy, not too sad. But hey, there is something I found out, again. The more happy you are, do not think of it so deeply, over and over. 'Cause the more you think about it, the more you'll become sad about it. Because eventually, it will bring you to thinking of the negative sides of it. 

There are times that happiness make me wanna cry because of the joy it brings. But that is different from the tears that sadness had brought from being happy. And that is what I'm afraid about. Afraid of that happening.

I just don't want to be hurt again.

I don't want to immerse myself with too much happiness, I don't want to cry or be sad sooner or later. Maybe this is just a safeguarding technique that I use to avoid being hurt. But...

I know, things are inevitable. It will happen if it really will. The thing is that, the happiness...Is stolen from you when you're in the midst of not letting go.

I want this happiness to last forever.

Well.. That's it. And so this is life. Life is about the happiness and the sadness it brings. Balanced, right? Though acceptance is hard, that is the truth -- that no one can ever get away from. But of course, that would still depend how life is handled.. How choices drive you.. Bringing you into your perfect destiny.

"Eh pano kung may ibang manligaw sayo, anong gagawin mo?"

Ano nga bang gagawin mo kung  tanungin ka ng ganyang tanong?
Napansin ko lang kase, kapag may mga bagong mag-gf-bf, yan lage tinatanong. Okaya pag nakikita ng mga tropa mo na nagiging matatag kayo, raratratin ka na ng mga tanong na parang baliw lang. Yung tipong, parang sa tanung pa lang eh pinaghihiwalay na kayo. Haha.

Eto ang senaryo ha, maayos kayo ng jowawit mo.
Sasabihin mo kayang, "syempre, titignan ko muna kung sino magiging mas matimbang."
O kaya, "kung sobrang pogi nun siguro, oo!"
Pero para mas safe, "ewan ko, hindi ko alam..walang nakakaalam ng mangyayare."

Gagawin mo kayang pumatol dun sa nanliligaw sayo habang andiyan pa si original? Tapos.. mahuhulog ka na dun ke #2, chupi na si #1. Syempre kase, may makikita kang mas maganda yata dun ke #2 (ewan ko sayo).
Ano idadahilan mo?
"Siya kasi naglagay ng kakulangan ni ano eh.."
"Hindi ko na napigilang mahulog sa kanya, eh."

Ah. Un lang ba?
Eh siraulo ka pala.

Alam mo kase, isang super laking mali yang ganyan eh. Yung patulan mo yung ganyang sitwasyon. Tsk. Yang pangahas na manliligaw na yan? Dalawa lang kasi yan eh.

Una, manloloko yan. Player. Inagaw ka niya. Nagpaagaw ka naman. Kung nagawa niya sayo, opkors magagawa/gagawin nya din yan sa iba sa susunod. Oo siguro nga labs na labs kapa nyan ngayon. Pero tignan mo kalaunan. Malala pa yung gagawing pang-iiwan nyan kesa sa ginawang pang-aagaw nyan sayo. Karma yan sayo, iha. (Haha.)
E sabihin naman natin na talagang mahal na mahal ka nyan na hindi sya manloloko na hindi ka na talaga kayang bitawan. Eto na yung pangalawa, possessive yan. Yung tipong sakal na sakal ka na eh, halos ibinibigti ka na, tapos hindi ka pa makawala. Haha. Parehong karma pala sila.

Pangatlo? Wala na. Gusto mo pang dagdagan? Pwede naman eh. Sabihin mo sakin dali.

Eh eto naman. Bakit ka nga ba kasi nagpaagaw? Dalawa lang dn yan eh.
Una, malandi ka. Pangalawa, hindi ka makuntento eh. Pero sige ikaw na. Ikaw na ang bruha! Haha!

Kaya sa mga magpapaagaw diyan, mag-isip-isip ha? At sa mga mang-aagaw naman, tigilan na ang paggamit ng gamit na toothbrush, okay? Kakadiri eh.

Sige. Bayu! :)

Oh, I'm with myself.

Sometimes i just wanna be in love with myself.

When i'm sad, i save myself from being depressed. I am the best person who i can run to whenever i feel down. I regulate myself, i control myself, i teach myself. Sounds egoistic but...this is just how i feel.

It's so hard to meet something that you really expect from someone. Expecting that, you'd get what you should've done in a certain situation. And when you did not get it, you'd feel so frustrated. So sad. Then i found out, if you refrain from expecting someone but expect from yourself, acceptance i so easy. Whenever you find your own mistakes, you contol yourself not to do those again. You cannot hurt yourself, of course..like some others do to you. Another good point is, you're not gonna blame someone but yourself. You depend only on yourself. You trust yourself. No complications..easy right?

But this is not the reality.

I so realized that being alone saddens me as well. The solution? Ended to loving someone as a part of giving education to yourself. Of course, i am still a person. I still have social awareness. I still tend to love someone. I can't love myself alone just to avoid complications..and being hurt.

Honestly, i can't figure out what the problem is. It could be the person/s around me, it could be what my mental process is, it could be myself, depends on my acceptance. I don't know. Bottomline? I'll just guard myself. Moereover, it's like, the things that are shown are doing good, but the latent part is, there is something that causes me to be hurt or in trouble or thinking and analyzing something. I just find myself at times healing myself when it is needed. The people around me won't help. No one can help than myself. I can't blame anyone if they do not know how to comfort me or if they do not comfort me; 'cause they won't know if i am having a problem, or they don't understand how to pat me. I have alot in my mind. I know people get confused with my personality. So the best way is rely to myself, comforting myself.

Talking with myself makes me at ease. Words that i tell myself, "it's gonna be fine soon..", "it's just temporary", "he/they will understand it one time..", "in the end it will show you the best.." My best self-encouragement? "Everything happens for a reason. So IT happened for a reason."

Imagination also brings out the best in me. It works. Drawing, dreaming, looking afar.. Who says that only schizophrenics do that? Of course not. That's just how i do a diversion from one thing to another. Crying is the best release ever. Second is being so busy. Third is sleeping. Listening to music gives me the most comfortable state. After those kinds of self-medication, i feel fine. Realizations will touch and teach me. Tried and tested by myself, of course.

Yes, the bottomline is -- i just understand myself. Maybe i just don't know how to introduce myself with me as having a very confusing personality. So having myself guarded, would sound easy. I know it's like, i am selfish? Vain? But no. This is just how i help myself. There are  people who will hurt me, won't understand me, but still, im here for myself. I always try to understand the people around me, though. Please understand me as well.. And believe me, help yourself, too. Give yourself a reservation.

Always save yourself.

That Stranger.

You’ll never know one day, someone stranger will knock at your door.

I am looking afar.. I see the clouds still. The leaves chase the wind. Something rushed into my mind that i suddenly smiled..

Life is amazing.

I’m still wondering how the thing we used to call, “love” miraculously works.

You don’t want to search, but there’s a thing that drives you for a search. You feel like you don’t want to, but something in you pushes you to want it. Then suddenly you’ll wake up, things have changed. .

Remember the very first time it happened. You were kind of tired from loving someone, you want to be alone, stretch away from deeply loving someone again. You thought that they were all the same, no one really ends up with you. When a stranger came in, knocks at your heart. You welcome this stranger, bravely telling to yourself that it won’t happen again, falling at all.

Unknowingly, the moment you’ve met, you were for each other.

But things are inevitable. The more you hate it, the more you want it. The more you hide it, the more it will burst. You thought that things happen again and again.. but not this time. Now you realize, that every thing differs..

And then you fell.

You kind of miss that stranger suddenly. You now really love that special feeling. You are doing it again. But it’s a different feeling from the situations before. It differs alot. You don’t want to get rid of that feeling now, it’s like heaven. Can’t believe that, that stranger you’ve never totally known before, has gotten you now. That stanger you’ve never wanted before, now is the one you wanted for the rest of your life. That stranger you thought you’re not falling for, had made you fall deeply now. That stranger has given you the strangest feeling you’ve never had. That stranger is your world now. And that stranger, really is no stranger at all.

I really wonder how that thing works. It’s a bit creepy, but that’s just how it is. Love can never be beaten. Mysterious.. Inescapable, that is. It’s good to know that this thing really happens. If this hasn’t happened to you yet, I’m sure it will. Though too many strangers had came and passed your life, there still is this one unique stranger that comes in and will knock at your door one day.
You’ll never know. :)